WHO AM I?

For sixteen years of living in this world, this “who am I?” question always end up with diffident answers. But as for now, as how I have assessed myself, maybe I can try my best shot in answering this. I may not be so sure about my answers and maybe you will not agree with some, but well, that is the best that I can do.

Typically, when I asked myself of this question, I automatically and jestingly answer it by saying my name. I tell myself that I am Raissa Guldam, no more. But in different mood and environment, when I will ask myself of this question, I might have a different answer or maybe several answers. But it depends upon my mood.

Generally, my full name is Raissa Tutanes Guldam. My biological parents are Mr. And Mrs. Rubi K. Guldam and my brothers are called Ashraf, 19 and Nizar, 12. I am the second child and only girl among the siblings that is why I think of myself as someone special in the family. I don’t have the most perfect relationship with my brothers but we get along well most of the time. My dad and I used to be close when I was a little girl but since I entered high school, the closeness drifted. Although we still talk a lot, but not the way we used to be when I was little which sometimes made me think that we never really got close. Or maybe time really changes people. But I surely do love them all for Allah’s sake.

When I was a little girl, I had fantasized of meeting my Prince Charming, of living in a lofty mansion, and all those sorts of dreams. I thought I can get whatever I want in just a snap, just like what I see in the movies. But of course, I was wrong. When my thinking was matured enough, I came to know what the real world is. That it is not possible to achieve something without exerting any effort. If you really desire this thing, you have to take the risk of pursuing it, taking the risk of failure or success. That there is no real Prince Charming or the so-called knight in shining armour who will save you in times of need. Maybe there will be some who will help you but not your Prince Charming. That a lofty mansion and luxury is not the key to happiness and tranquility. That this world is just a temporary place and we should not be blinded by its beauty hence, we should desire for that permanent place, Paradise. And that whatever happened and will happen to you, may it be bad or good, it was/is God’s will and it was/is what’s best for you. You just need to be patient and trust God for He is the All-Knowing. So many important lessons I have learned from my life experiences and day to day encounter with different people, which I’m sure, shaped and fashioned my character.

They said that I am a capricious and stubborn girl. Yes, I agree. Capriciousness is I think a common trait for a woman that’s why I really don’t bother myself in eradicating it. Stubbornness is another thing because it’s not a good trait. I don’t know why but I really go against anything that does not suit my personal thinking. I sometimes become unreasonable and close-minded due to my stubbornness that’s why for me, it is a dangerous trait. Another thing is that I am 101% lazy. Yes, you read it right. LAZY. SLOTH. It is a known fact in our home that’s why whenever they asked me to do something, I always remind them that I am a lazy person and that they should not rely with me. It’s a lousy excuse though. That’s why my dad used to talk to me about my slothfulness and I just nod at him. I don’t know why but I think my laziness is a genetic trait. What am I trying to imply here? Never mind. Anyhow, I am trying my best to improve myself from this genetic trait and I think I’m currently doing progress in it. But it all still depends on my mood. So you see, my mood plays a big role in this. My mood and slothfulness sometimes goes hand in hand. Whenever I’m not in my mood, I become lazy and whenever I am feeling lazy, then it means that I’m not in my mood. Just that! Simple.

As of now, I’m really running out of words. I know I haven’t properly described what I am but I hope you get the gist of it. I am not really good at explaining myself especially in limited papers. I will need right time and space for everything. And of course, it will still depend on my mood. But what I am more concern now is about the conclusion. Once I took a path, I sometimes lost my way due to distractions. And this is what I really hate and always try to avoid. I should be walking a straight path but due to beguilement, I sometimes take the long way, with winding path. That’s why I always pray to God to guide me on the Straight Path and to protect me from distractions. So now you see, eh? I talk of something and might end up with different thing. Well, that’s also me. I hope you get what I mean. Finally, they say that your ideas are your best reflectors that’s why through this paper, I hope, someone might understand even a piece of my life.

Raissa T. Guldam
BSMT-1A
10-27-09