Letters

[This is Ahmad's first letter to me.]

"Shall I?" A Soliloquy

[This soliloquy was an assignment in our Literature class. This was based from a real experience though some part was fictitious.]

“Shall I?”

I think this is the worst pandemonium that I ever had! Though it’s normal for a teenage girl like me to have this kind of confusion, but I still rate this as the worst of all. This can’t be solved by any systematic equation nor can’t be figured out by using any mathematical formula. This is not just an ordinary analytical and logical thinking but something inner and deeper. I wouldn’t be surprised if anyone will say that I’m stupid and crazy. This is really a different thing.

Well, I have known this guy for just five months but it seems like we know each other for years. We started as good friends and turned out to be best friends. He is years older than me but he sounds like we are of the same age. I remember that we always try to see each other as often as we could and spend most of our time with each other. Unconsciously, we grew fond of each other and started to have this special feeling. We grew closer and closer, and as time went by, we fell for each other.

He became my inspiration for three unforgettable months. He always encouraged me to do my best and to motivate me in everything. He supported me and made me feel that there he always there for me. I really felt secured whenever I’m with him and he would always say that he will do his best to protect me. With all these comforting and loving words, I felt the sincerity of his love for me.

But the truth is that we have no commitment. We say sweet and caring words to each other but I don’t remember that we really had a formal commitment. I might be regarded as a mean person but having no commitment in this affair made me feel safe. It may sound very weird but at least I’m being honest with my feelings.

Then there was this time when I haven’t seen him for almost a week. I was really worried about him because it’s not a usual thing. He didn’t leave any message or note. Weeks passed but there was no sound or news about him. He just disappeared. Then I started wandering what might have happened to him. I started imagining things and thinking of logical reasons for his disappearance. And weeks became months. I hopefully and patiently waited for any news but all in vain. I think I need to give up now.

When the time came that I finally decided to give up my hopes, something happened. I met another guy who is as old as me. Well, from the start, I gave no notice of him because he was just a friend. Then later on, I discovered that he is intelligent, religious and a bookworm. He also has admirable traits and estimable characters. Despite the memory of a former love, these assets let me concluded that he is my ideal man. But, alas, there’s no way of having him. He’s not the type who will love someone like me. So, I hid from him my true feelings.

As time went by, we came to know each other better and deeper. We became good friends, and more like best friends. We share our problems and secrets and joys and sorrows. He is truly a kind man and understanding man. How I wish to tell him that I love him but I don’t have the braveness because I am afraid that I might lose his friendship if he rejected me. Then his birthday came and I gather all my courage to confess my feelings for him. Hearing my words, he just shrugged and said that he doesn’t know what to say because no one had confessed to him like this before. So I just gave him a smile and told him that it’s okay. And I’m even more thankful because the manner of our chat didn’t change. That even if he rejected me, I still have his friendship.

Weeks passed and we still enjoyed the same old company. We talked as if we were the closest being in the world. We still share the same secrets and much more experiences. I really feel happy whenever I’m with him.

Then one day, as I opened my mail account, I got a mail from him. As I read the letter, I was flabbergasted. He finally confessed that he also like me but he‘s too shy to say. I never thought that he’ll say these words. I immediately called and asked him if he was serious about his message and he said yes. He also apologized because he thought he caused sadness to me at the time when I confessed to him. I don’t know what to say. I like to scream and scream but no voice came out from my throat. I can just smile. But I know that that smile of mine is not just on lips but also in my heart.

But my smile didn’t take so long to fade. News came that my former love came back. What?! I felt my heart sunk. All I thought he was gone. And worst, he’s hoping me to come back to him! What a dilemma! This is really the worst pandemonium I ever had! How can I tell him that I have another love and that my love for him was gone? How can I tell him this without seeing the pain in his face? I wouldn’t want to hurt him. It will devastate him for sure! And if I’m going to tell him this, he might regard me as a betrayer. And that would hurt me too. What am I going to do? Shall I tell my former love or shall I let go my current love?

By:

Raissa T. Guldam